An Unexpected Unthankful

Well, here it goes......  I spent the first 13 days of November listing things I am thankful for.  I was enjoying seeing the blessings I have in my life and really searching inside for true, raw feelings and being honest with myself.  Then, the 14th day came.  Suddenly, I wasn't so thankful.

I received a call from my brother saying my mom was gone, passed away.  This couldn't be, I talked to her Tuesday night and she was fine, at home and her usual self.  She was only 47.  She had to have just been sleeping.  After a blur of an afternoon and several frantic calls between me and my dad, the reality hit.  She was gone.

My world has been turned upside down.  I don't know what I have done the past couple of weeks.  I'm blank.  I have busied myself planning her funeral, getting family into town, attempting to feed everyone, preparing Thanksgiving and working to sort through her belongings and help my dad start to figure out where he goes from here.  My parents were together from 14 years old.

I just want to sit and scream, cry, pout.  When most people go through hard times in their life, they call their mom to help or give a kind word.  I see moms and daughters out now, and I cry.  It's not fair.  I could not be more jealous of what those girls are blessed to have.  Now, I really know what true, raw feelings are.  I have no choice but to be honest with myself and am desperately searching for solace, peace, understanding.

I do find myself angry.  I catch myself thinking "if one more person asks how I am...."  How am I? I can't even tell you.  I'm far from ok.  What am I supposed to say?  I feel so guilty.  I have so many unbelievably amazing people who have surrounded me with more love and support than I ever imagined.  It's not that I don't appreciate those people, I do, with everything I have I do.  But it's not worth it.  The tons of people with food, the visits, the hugs, the cards, the flowers, they aren't worth it.  I would give it all back to have my mom.  I would take one more hug, or phone call over all of it.  I have been in rooms full of people for these past two weeks, yet I feel so alone.  My thoughts get away from me and I couldn't even tell you what half of my conversations have been about.

So, here I am, broken, exhausted, hurting, and at a loss of how to get through this.  Without the love of my husband, family and friends who are beyond what friends should be, there is no way I would be making it this far.  I looked around at my mom's funeral and saw so much love; so many people who knew my mom 20 years ago and drove overnight from Texas to be at her funeral, so many of my friends and my husbands family who hadn't even met my mom and dropped everything they had planned to be there.  That is love, that is what life is about.  That is what my mom deserved.  As I sit here selfishly wishing she was back with us, I also think back to how blessed I have been to have experienced her at all.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 13

Today I am thankful for family dinners.

Jordan and I have made it a point to sit down at the table together every evening, tv off, and have dinner.  It's been something we have done since we got married, and have enjoyed even more now that we have our little man.  The only sounds are us talking, Landen babbling away telling us about his day, and lots of giggles.   I can't wait until he is old enough for us to really talk about some interesting topics, and get to know who he is becoming as a person, how his day went, what he learned, who he had lunch with at school, etc.  It really is such an important thing for families to share, and so many take for granted.  I look forward to so many more family meals together.  

30 Days of Thanks - Day 12

Today, I am thankful for my drive.

I don't mean this to be taken as cocky, or even bragging, in any way.  I have always suffered from a serious case of stubbornness.  There are as many days this is a bad thing as there are good.  Lately, though, it has been a good thing.  I have the drive and determination to get to my goals, no matter how much I have to push myself.  

I will be honest, I have always had a hard time sympathizing with those who find it so easy to "give up".  I don't understand how you can be ok with not making yourself go through with something you set out to do.  I know this is all because of a past of never being "good enough".  I spent a lot of my life pushing so hard, yet never amounting to what was expected of me.  I know deep down I think the way I do, and am so hard on myself because of that.  I also know that's why I have a hard time remembering that not everyone else thinks that way.  

When I set a goal for myself, no matter how simple of a goal, I will exhaust myself to ridiculous levels to achieve whatever it may be.  This past spring, my goal was to complete training, and finish my very first 5k in less than 30 minutes.  It wasn't easy, and the training was hard.  The training was most difficult because I had this person who told me "you are tired" "you aren't a runner" "you can't finish", the entire time.  It was me.  Not only did I complete training and run my first 5k, I did it in 29:46.  How? My drive.

Right now, it is to continue the success of my small home business of designing and sewing children's clothing.  I feel so blessed to have the positive feedback, and the constant business, but it takes a lot of drive to keep myself up till the wee hours of the morning to finish orders in time.  It takes even more drive to get up the next day to go to work, or bible study, or a play group.  It takes drive to come back home, clean, cook, do laundry, spend time with and play with my little man and husband, organize the craft group I run, (maybe) get a run in, then invoice clients and sew even more after my guys are in bed.  But I do it.  I enjoy it.  I enjoy the work - let me rephrase that - I enjoy looking back on the accomplishment.  I enjoy knowing that I had the drive to finish, even when I thought I never would.  I did it.  I was good enough.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 11

Today I am thankful for rest.

I am so thankful, in fact, that I am resting and not blogging tonight. :-)

30 Days of Thanks - Day 10

Today, and every day, I am thankful for my health.

I have been off and on with the cold/sinus fun everyone seems to be getting stuck with lately.  I am a horrible sick person, so I am very lucky that I seem to bounce back quickly.  I couldn't imagine letting an illness take over my daily routine for long.  I have seen such tragic cases of people who almost choose to be sick a lot of times rather than fight through and help their body to become well again.  I have too much to live for, too much to do!  I am so thankful that I have a clean bill of health so far and a body that is able to keep going strong!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 9

Today I am thankful for our beautiful state, Arkansas.

This time of year is absolutely breathtaking here.  The leaves are changing, the air is turning crisp and sights and smells of fall are all around.  Just driving down the road the most vivid colors surround you.  Bright yellows, oranges, reds, even purples and deep greens and browns are seen at every corner.  Our town in particular is covered in a wide array of trees along the boulevard, and crossing the bridge into the larger city has the most gorgeous views.  I love this time of year so much, especially living in one of the most naturally beautiful states.  We are putting the nature trails to much use and love every minute of it!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 8

Today I am thankful for my job!

I work with the most special group of women (and 1 man) in a fun, laid back office three days a week.  I know there are so many people out there who either don't have a job, or have a job at which they are miserable, and I am so thankful I get to be part of such an awesome company.  I am so blessed to be given the opportunity to work part-time, but still be treated just as importantly as the others.  I still get two days a week with my favorite little man, so I have the best of both worlds.  

I have been there a little over a year, and love each of those people to pieces.  My boss is so understanding and genuine.  She and I are so much alike in some ways, including showing up in matching outfits waaayyy too often, yet we are so so different in others.  I know I can go to her about anything, and she will do her best to understand and help.  No matter how long they will let me stay, I know she and I will always remain a part of each others life - I wouldn't have it any other way!

One of many accidental twinkie days at work

The other girls in the office are so fun and easy to talk to.  There aren't many places with a group of women who truly get along, this is an exception.  Our office is always full of laughter, smiles, opinions and fun; all while still completely rocking it at our jobs.:-)  

I love what I do, it's entertaining to say the least, I love that I am given the opportunity to do it part-time, and I especially love who I have the blessing of working with.  Thankful!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 7

Today, and every day, I am so thankful for my amazing husband.

Go ahead, cue the cheesy love music..... 

On November 1st, 2004 I met the most special person I would meet for the rest of my life.  Neither one of us thought that at the time; he thought I was crazy, I thought he was rude (only because he was quiet).  We spent the next 3 years becoming friends and getting to know each other, encouraging each other through our daily life.  We were both in relationships, but knew there was something special between us.  When things didn't work out in my relationship, the first person I thought to finally be able to call was Jordan.  Funny thing, when we talked he asked if I wanted to go on a date, he was recently single too!  Neither of us had any idea the other's relationship had ended as we hadn't talked in a while.  Funny how God works.  

From our first date on January 5th, 2007 we couldn't get enough of our time together.  We grew closer in our love and stronger in our relationship.  He had really become my best friend and I knew there would never be life without him.  The night he proposed, December 8th, 2007, was a dream come true.  And to make it even more perfect, he did it on the steps of the state capitol with the Christmas lights.  It was breathtaking and more than perfect.  

We were wed on August 16, 2008 and the day was spent with our friends and family in the most beautiful way we could have imagined.  It was the best day of my life, next to the day our little man arrived.  Nothing beats getting all dolled up to feel your most beautiful and promising the rest of your life to the most amazing man, your best friend, in front of all the people who care most about you. 

The past 4 years of marriage have been the biggest blessing.  J has taught me the true definition of family.  I trust him, admire him, pray for him and love him.  He is such a strong person, so dedicated, hardworking, loyal, encouraging, honest, sincere and fun-loving.  He is always laughing and having a great time.  We have grown together, laughed and cried together, brought another life into the world and made plans for forever together.  I can't wait to grow old with such a special person. I am one lucky lady!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 6

Today, and every day, I am so thankful for my freedom.  

I have never been a big political person, but I have done my best to keep myself educated in what is going on around me.  In all the tension I witness based on who you choose to vote for, I have stopped to think about how lucky we are to have the freedom and rights that we do, to be able to speak our mind and vote the way we want.  We have so many loved ones who have lost their lives so we have the freedom we do.  There are still so many men and women who are fighting for those rights.  

I have the ability and right to vote for whom I choose, believe in what I want, dress and live how I want, and worship my God the way I want.  There are so many places around our world with people who have no rights; young girls are killed for looking at a man or wanting to gain an education, Christians are killed because of their beliefs and children are killed because of their gender.  

How lucky we are that we live in a country where we can not only choose the way we live life, but also have a voice that can be heard.  Tonight I am thankful for our troops, my family members who have served, and my freedom because of those people.  I may not agree with a lot of government decisions and some of the ways things have/will change in our country, but I am still so proud to be an American.  I am so thankful I have my freedom!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 5

Today I am thankful for a sense of humor!

The epitome of a Monday; our little one wakes up at 6:45 (he never wakes that early) and comes barging through our doorway with his motorized 4-wheeler.  The loud grumble of the motor and constant *thud* as he plows into every piece of furniture in our room would be hard to handle on a pleasant weekend afternoon, so you can imagine how fun it was to wake up to this morning.  Ok, here we go, time to get up.  

When we finally peel ourselves out of bed, I realize I completely forgot to program our heat to come on during the night, so our house was a nice, frigid 67 degrees.  Shower? Sure.  As I step out, our little man starts crying hysterically.  Why?  He accidentally whacked himself in the side of the head with the MagLight he insists on carrying everywhere with him.  Kids and their flashlight obsessions.  

As if dropping everything I touch and running late wasn't enough, I hear my boys in the kitchen; of course the little guy is yelling at the husband "bebby juice!" Which translates to berry juice, strawberry milk. :-)   Still scrambling to iron pants, and "where is the stupid lint roller?!", I try to spend a few minutes with them in the kitchen before running out the door.  The minute I head their direction, I hear a bowl full of "dot-dos" (Cheerios) hit the floor followed by "really son?".  Ha!  As J tries to clean it up, he manages to knock his coffee over on the counter - which then gets the little one fired up, and the cup full of "bebby juice" goes flying.  Really.  At this point I do what any perfectly sane mother would do running on little sleep and a rough morning - bust out laughing.  :-)  

Ok, time to go to work.  Still can't find the lint roller, forget it!  Grab the coffee, goodbye kisses and mommy is off to work.  Daddy now gets to wrangle the toddler and finish getting ready for work before dropping him off at his babysitter.  I get a call when I am almost to work, why not add to the fun?  Complete stink in the front rooms of our house, thanks to an apparent deceased critter below. Fabulous!  

Needless to say, I very cautiously made it through the rest of the day.  We are all alive and well, and even clothed!  And our little friend was laid to rest somewhere other than under our house this evening. I'm thankful for a sense of humor because without it, I would have been an even bigger mess!  When situations arise, you must be able to laugh about it, at least afterward.  If nothing else, I can never deny having an interesting life some days, and I think that's much more fun than boring.   :-)

30 Days of Thanks - Day 4

Today, and every day, I am thankful for good friends.

                       

I mean friends, not acquaintances, not those who are "friends" long enough to gain from you, not those who feel the need to judge, compete or be anything less than happy for you when good things happen in your life.  Friendships will always go through bumps in the road, but those few times will always go as quickly as they came and you grow stronger from those learning experiences.  I know these days it is hard to find people you can trust.  It's so easy for females especially to get sucked into the gossip, judgmental attitude and turn completely cold when certain situations arise.   Whatever happened to just being friends?  Whatever happened to the carefree feeling of being able to depend on someone and know that no matter how busy, successful or otherwise involved they may be, they would be there.  And I don't mean be there physically even, I mean just to even care.  It's funny to me that these people usually don't see anything wrong with their actions and are even defensive about it.  Unfortunately, I have experienced this, but luckily not with any of my close friends who really mean something to me.  And as much as I would love to think I never acted this way, I am sure in my younger, more immature years, I probably did.  I guess that's one of those disappointments I spoke about in a previous post.  

                          

               

The friends I am thankful for are such genuine people.  Those people who don't knock to come in your house.  You don't scramble to clean before they get there, and it's ok to be in your comfy pants when they arrive.  They don't judge.  They don't run to gossip after you share your heart with them.  They don't become bitter when something good happens for you, they are just as happy as you are.  They don't get arrogant when they have successes, because they know you supported them every step of the way and always will.  They don't take advantage.  And they are the first to ask "how was your day" because they already know and don't have to ask "how are you?" or "how have you been?".  And, one of the most important to me, they love our son.  They are so good with him, even those who aren't parents themselves.  That love is true love, true friendship. 

   

What a great feeling to know we have been blessed with so many of these friends.  I have  been so fortunate to share my life with some very special friends since Jr. High and have made some equally special friendships throughout the years.  J and I have "couple friends" who are so much fun to share life with.  And we are even blessed enough to have fellow "parent friends" who just get it.  They understand the perfectly imperfect life of being a parent and family and love sharing that together. 

Friends are so important in life.  Without someone other than family to turn to, you really have so much to miss out on.  Though I must say, my very best friend is family, my wonderful husband.  Maybe I will just have to list him as a "thankful" one day soon. :-)  

Thank you, to those who are true friends.  You know who you are.  

30 Days of Thanks - Day 3

Today I am most grateful for my gracious God.

I grew up in church, and knowing God; but when I was older and starting experiencing His grace, feeling His love and understanding the magnitude of who He is, I really began to appreciate it all.

I had an almost fatal scare years ago, when I was in my late teens/early 20s.  I will never forget the feeling I had when I came to in the middle of it all.  I felt such a calm, strong presence.  I have never experienced anything like it before, or since.  I didn't see any "light" or spirit.  I just felt.  I know God took care of me that day and I lived from that day forward knowing that I was here for a purpose.  

I have always said I am not the best about understanding when God tries to show me something.  I literally have to be slapped across the face with it before I understand what He is trying to show me.  He is good at that.  :-)  God has given me such wonderful opportunities that I know a lot of people don't have.  I feel like sometimes He doesn't just open a door for me, but pushes me through it.  I have learned, more so recently, to take those opportunities as blessings and not be overwhelmed by what they may entail.  He kind of knows what He's doing.  lol

God knows my heart, good and bad.  The thought that someone so big, can love someone like me is so special and warming.  To know I have, and will, make mistakes in life and still be wholly loved by Him is the best feeling.  He has blessed me with an amazing husband and most perfect little boy, when I never deserved it.  He takes care of us daily and always provides.  He really is my "most thankful".  God is good, ALL THE TIME!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 2

Today I am so thankful for our precious little boy.

The day I became a mommy, my life changed far more than I ever expected.  I knew things would be different, but I had no idea just how much - and I honestly didn't expect some of the changes that came.   In the past 2 years, I have experienced the most simple, perfect, easy love and happiness.  This little boy is such a ray of sunshine, every day.  

I have learned an extreme amount of patience as he has come into a perfectly spunky, mischievous, energetic little toddler.  I wouldn't give a second up.  He never fails to amaze us.  He is so smart and learning so quickly.  He is very independent and curious.  He loves so innocently and never meets a stranger.  He is so affectionate and sincere.  He can fall and get the worst bumps and bruises without even a whimper, but be moved to tears so quickly if he sees someone else cry.  

I used to roll my eyes when people would tell me "don't blink, it flies by".  They weren't kidding.  It takes my breath away to think of how quickly we have watched these 2 years go by.  As much as I miss his "baby days", we have more and more fun with him at each age.  We are so proud of him and can't wait to enjoy life with him even more.  We love you to the moon and back sweet boy!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 1

It's time to start my "30 Days of Thanks" and I could not be more excited.  I will warn you now, I will probably not be the most "lighthearted" thankful person.  I have been through some rough places and have so many things burdening my heart at times, that I feel I have no choice but to be thankful for those feelings/experiences as well as the good.  Though I will say I have some pretty amazing positive things to be thankful for, and those definitely out-weigh the bad.  Of course, I am more than thankful for God, my family and friends, but I want to go deeper.  I want to look back on this and really see my heart.  I want to look over this list in 30 days and really see all the things I am blessed by and how much I have to appreciate.  So here goes nothing........

Today, I am thankful for disappointment.  

Geez Steph!  Way to be a debbie downer right out of the gate! I know, I know.  But this is why.  I feel the disappointment I have endured has shaped who I am and where I have come.  I am the person I am because of disappointment giving me the drive to "break the cycle".  (You will see that term a lot, I completely live by it) I feel I have the drive to be the best wife and mommy I can be because of disappointments I have faced.  I also feel that disappointments in friendships has really made me take a step back and rethink the way I act and react to future situations.  

Most importantly, I learn from being disappointed in myself.  I feel this often, as I am sure we all do.  I think this is such a blessing in disguise.  What better way to "break the cycle" (I told you I use it a lot) than to look back disappointed in the way your handled yourself and learn from it.  I can't tell you how many times I have thought "way to handle that one, goof!" The next time I am in the same situation, or one similar, I know what I don't want to do.  

I appreciate what I have in my life, where I am in my life, and especially who I have in my life because of disappointment.  If I had it all roses and rainbows, I wouldn't truly appreciate just how much God has blessed me, and that is an awful lot.  So, there is my first "thankful". 

A Fresh Start

Well, here we go.....  I told J I wanted to start our blog back up last night.  His response "in your free time?"  He says this as sarcastically as possible, because I have none.  I feel like our life is flying by so quickly, no matter how much I desperately try to hold time still and just breath it all in, it's going much too quickly.  So many times I have looked back on special times in our lives and wished I had better documented our experiences, good and bad.  So here is my commitment, my promise to try my hardest to keep our life documented as well as possible and share our beautiful, chaotic, sometimes very messy, blessed journey with those who care enough to read.  I look forward to this journey and feel I have so much on my heart that I can't wait to share.