Finally an update

Well, I am finally back to my blog.  The past few months have been much more than I imagined.  I started the month of December on a mission: a random act of kindness for every day until Christmas Day.  Selfishly, I originally had this idea to help keep my mind off my numbing pain and heartache by bringing a smile to others.  While I succeeded in doing quite a few acts on my list, I was met with the challenge of keeping it up.  The truth, I had many days where I just didn't want to, I didn't want to do anything, and I still don't.  Don't get me wrong, I was unbelievably blessed to experience some of the people and their responses.  I enjoyed every moment of it.  

Landen and I got to do quite a bit together.  In the photo above, we were delivering lots of toys and goodies to the Women's and Children's shelter in Little Rock.  He was so sweet and gladly helped give the toys to them - a huge feat for a toddler. We also paid for other people's meals in the drive-thru, gave money to the salvation army every time we saw someone ringing the bell (landen LOVED that one) took carts back for people in the parking lot, etc.  These were special times, but when you are fighting such a battle inside, the last thing you want to do is get out and put a smile on.  

Christmas was a blur.  We spent the weekend before in Texas.  This trip is usually an absolute blast, this particular time was hard.  This is my mom's family and where she grew up.  It brought back such memories and made my heart hurt even more.  

Christmas Eve is Landen's special time with his grandparents - this year we had a hole.  We had a very big part of us missing.  Landen opened gifts his "Grammy" had bought months prior, labeled with name tags she had written.  My dad found them from previous years and placed them on the gifts.  I felt such an uncomfortable air around us all.  Nobody knows what to say in those moments, nothing can make it better.  You just enjoy those who are still there, and realize how blessed you are to be there with them.  

Christmas morning was spent with my dad joining us, a very special time.  Landen was beyond precious with all his new goodies, and provided a much needed light to the occasion.  Once again, we all tried to smile, but with absolute brokenness behind it.  I was so thankful for our wonderful little boy and his infectious giggles.  Our Christmas lunch with family was great and we enjoyed having some family together.  That evening, we received the most gorgeous snow I have seen in a very long time.  We all agreed that my mom had a hand in that, she always wanted a "white Christmas".  

As bad as it may sound, I have never been more happy to get the holidays behind me.  I am usually loving every minute, but I just couldn't this year.  Since then, I have fought a hard battle of trying to be strong, and being a complete mess.  I joke with friends that I am making progress when I make it to Wednesday without crying so hard I become ill, or fall asleep.  I hurt, bad.  I tell my husband quite often that no matter how good I have become at keeping a smile on, I am numb inside.  I don't feel like I used to.  I have changed.  I don't feel excitement like before.  I am lost.  

I have had a countless number of people tell me "it will get better with time".  Will it, really?  Because in what seems to be a lifetime since November 14th, it's far from better - maybe even worse.  My spare bedroom is overwhelming with the intoxicating smell of my momma.  I stored all of her clothes and belongings there while going through each piece and packing it away in storage.  My family all agreed that we would hold onto it all for now.  We couldn't handle the thought of strangers buying her things for pennies and us watching them walking away with pieces of her.  My mother was so full of personality and it showed in every part of her life, especially her clothing.  No way could we face that being taken from us right now.  So, I spent hours each week pulling every piece of clothing off her hot pink hangers and folding it away in boxes.  Memories flooded every time I pulled a piece she wore often, or recently.  Breathtaking.  Heartbreaking.

Now that I have started my sewing business back from my Christmas break, I am back in that room often.  Late at night, sewing precious ruffles on tiny little outfits, and it hits me, her smell.  I buckle and become a sobbing mess.  I can feel her, I can hear her, I can smell her.  I am stronger than this.  I am supposed to be the one who can keep it together. 

We found out in early January that we are expecting our second child, her second grandchild.  We are due September 15th, the day after my mom's birthday.  She was crazy about Landen.  Though she didn't get to see him as often as she or I would have liked, she was never less of a proud grandma.  She spoiled him as much as she could when she was able to be with him, and there is no doubt he knew she loved him.  Now, our second child doesn't get to experience her and her vibrance.  I will never again have my momma by my side when I go to the hospital.  I will never again hear her say "when i had you.....".  Nothing can compare or replace, ever.

Tomorrow will be 29 years since my parents said "I Do".  I can't imagine what my dad is feeling.  As broken as I may be right now, my amazing husband is the one who picks me up from the floor, and carries me through.  Now my dad sits in an empty house, no longer the home she made it so many years ago.  He is surrounded by the good memories, and the bad memories of her life in recent years; the slow, downward slope and losing battle she fought.  They have been the epitome of dedication.  Lord knows they faced hard times and frustrations, but they never gave up.  That is truly something to be proud of.  He is so blessed to be surrounded by many friends and loved ones who are keeping his chin up and his heart as full as possible.  We all know she is with us, watching and smiling - all with a new, unbroken body.  

I am praying hard that this year will bring happy memories and this healing everyone keeps promising.  I was lucky to have 28 years with my momma, no matter how hard or frustrating it may have been at times; there were many more happy times.  This year seems to be promising some bittersweet moments, and I know our angel will be watching over us all during it all.  As much as I would love to promise to refrain from the sappy, mopey postings, I can't.  I don't know how long it will take before I am able to somewhat move forward from the hurt.  Until then, I ask for your prayers.  I have so so much to be thankful and happy for, those are helping me every day and I can't wait to share those moments as well.